I'm alive! I'm alive, I swear! Don't ask me what has happened in the past month, I couldn't really tell you. Mostly because I don't really remember it, and I promise it's not because I was drinking. Well, except for that one time, but that wasn't really fun. I've just been working at both jobs and grating my teeth while doing it (that's what she said), getting hardly any useful work done, came close to heart attacks several times, and have only read maybe 3 books. For a frame of reference, I read 22 books in March. Seriously. So, instead of talking about books, I'll just ramble for a bit.

Do any of you read The Bloggess? I love her stuff - she's crazy, but in a delightful, humorous, sarcastic way. Perfect! Her latest weekly wrap-up (normally titled "Shit-I-Did-While-I-Wasn't-Here") included a link to a youtube video of a lecture done by Daniel Pink (author of "A Whole New Mind") about desire in the workplace. No, not that kind of desire. The regular non-pervy kind. Or was it about drive in the workplace? I don't remember. At any rate, I always click on the links that The Bloggess has, she's never steered me wrong, and this link was really interesting. I think. I couldn't really follow what he was saying because I was watching the hand drawing and writing what he was saying. It's amazingly fascinating. How can people do this?!? I know I joke about this, but I really can't draw or cut a straight line. Being talented enough to draw a picture, no matter how rudimentary, where anyone can identify a story or objects in it is totally amazing to me - this is beyond amazing. You should totally watch it just for the sake of watching it - I have no idea what he says.

Hang on, I have to run some tomato paste over to my neighbors' house, I'll be right back.

OK, I'm back. I was over there for over an hour - sheesh! She took a mental health day from work and we yapped while she made dinner and chopped veggies. All I kept thinking was "why don't I effing do this stuff for myself?!?" and staring at the clock. Not in a bad way, but you know, cuz I've got stuff at home that I need to avoid doing.

Speaking of, I should probably turn my cell/work phone on for the day, I've been avoiding it. Here goes... whew! Only one message, and it's from a friend. A nice change.

You know, after being at my neighbors' house (they have a totally new, revamped kitchen that I'm endlessly jealous of) I realized part of why I like their kitchen so much. Aside from the fact that it's beautiful, shiny, useful and has things in it that work like they're supposed to, that is. I like it because it's not filled with useless crap, and it's not treated like a giant storage area - it feels like it has life in it. Does that make sense? Mine feels dull, dead, old, used-up, and cluttered like crazy. So does most of my house, to be honest, but doesn't that really say something about my life and how I live it? Now I feel like dropping whatever I had planned on doing, pulling my big garbage can up from the alley and just start pitching shit in there. (I'd also like to do that to my office/dining room, but I need to know what I'm tossing before I toss it.) Maybe I'm entering a "pitch it" phase. Hm.

Having had more "time off" this last week (read that as working from home and not at job #1, instead of actual time spent not working) has been so eye-opening and refreshing in so many ways it's scary. I spend so little time here at home during daylight hours, no matter what day of the week it is. I do so little actual work for job #2 (instead mostly obsessively thinking about it and panicking about working is what I do). I do even littler work for this house - and even littler work for myself. I have NO IDEA how I expect myself to remember anything at all because all I do is mentally jump around like a caffeinated little dog all the time, and all of the work that I'm doing is for someone elses' benefit. I need to re-train myself in how to have one constant thought process - constant interruptions are the norm, no matter what I'm doing. Bad. Very bad.

Also, I've been thinking about that Asian saying/thought/truth/whatever about how they don't eat leftovers because it's dead food, how do you expect to feel alive if all you eat are dead things? All I eat are "dead" things. Couldn't tell you the last time I actually cooked a meal - maybe January? Let's say January for the sake of argument, it feels about right. Not cooking a meal (no matter how small and easy, I've barely scrambled an egg) in 5 months? Fuck. Not good. Really not good. Not good at all. Oh, pardon me while I eat leftover pizza and type this. See? What the hell has happened to me? How did I lose my way? I've stopped being a regular person and am now some kind of Scattered Crazy Work Robot that masquerades as a responsible adult. Damn.

Hey, this is good pizza.

Alright, I need to step away from the computer for 10 seconds altogether, so I'm going to go. And I won't watch TV, I promise. I'll maybe even do something semi-productive like laundry or sorting through a stack of paper. Or return the work phone call I just ignored. Or take a nap. Gee, which one sounds most appealing? What a toughie....

Hope you're all doing well, and I'll try and stop back again soon.