Monday, November 16, 2009

Ah, home for a week!

Yes, that's right, I'm home this week! Unfortunately it's not for fun stuff that I'd like to do - it's for Job #2, which has been royally neglected for so long I'd rather not figure it out. That being said, I have done zero work for it so far today. In my defense, it is my Mom's birthday (Happy Birthday, Mom!) and we went out for lunch at Baker's Square. Plus, I've been sleeping like crap lately, but I'll get to that later. So anyway, I got dropped off here about an hour ago with the intention of making a list and getting groceries, going to the post office, and then to Target, all before 4pm. Yeah. That's totally going to happen. Instead, I've been reading and laughing out loud at (thanks, J!), and just generally wishing I didn't have any work to do.

One of the trickier points about being at home to work is that lots of people (okay, mostly me) want to go out and run errands and meet up for breakfast/lunch/dinner/drinks/coffee and do things we'd really like to do but don't because I have such a weird schedule, in that I don't have one. I'm making all of these mental plans to do fun things when really I need to be sitting here in my sweatpants giving myself wrinkles and computer headaches and getting some sh*t done. I have visions of waking up at 7, making a little breakfast, taking a shower, and starting to work like I have a Real Desk Job, with the added bonus of being able to do laundry at the same time. The reality of my life is not related to that fantasy land I think I operate in. Sad. But I do need to get some food in this house that is not cereal or freezer-burned, and I do need to go to the post office. And I'm on my last roll of paper towels. Not so great when you have cats that are having an un-advertised Hairballpalooza. So yes, I do need to get my butt in gear and get things done so I can stay home and work.

The lack of motivation on my part is also partially sleep-related. I'm getting 6 to 9 hours of sleep, but it's not restful. I wake up tired. I fall asleep tired. After I'm up for an hour in the morning, I could use a serious nap. That feeling of needing to sleep never goes away. It makes it hard to focus (literally and figuratively), hard to concentrate, and next to impossible to do anything physically aside from sitting or lying down. I might look normal, but on the inside I'm constantly fighting to pay attention, or walk around, or complete this sentence I started saying... it's not good. I'm not entirely sure what to do about that. It's exhaustion, certainly, but is it something else? And if so, what the hell could it be? I don't like to think about it, so I ignore it and keep on trying to function and operate like I normally do. I don't like to bring it up or talk about it because people either A) say "can't you go to the doctor? you always say there's something wrong, but friggin do something about it already" or B) give me this look like yeah-right-I'm-tired-too-you're-so-dramatic-and-obviously-lying-because-you-don't-look-or-act-differently-I'm-sick-of-this-crap-from-you. I can't afford to really investigate what might be going on, either monetarily or time-wise, and there aren't any big signposts pointing the way to what's wrong. So I keep on going like this because I don't know what else to do and to everyone else I seem fine and seem to be doing okay. But if you ever see me or talk to me, I'll say I'm fine when really my brain is yelling I JUST WANT TO LAY DOWN or CONCENTRATE ON WHAT IS GOING ON or PAY ATTENTION DON'T DRIFT OFF. Ugh. Any advice on how to handle this that will not cost me an arm and a leg is appreciated.

So, that being said, I need to get going to run those errands and then come back here to not-work and not-sleep but instead stare at the wall and guilt myself into oblivion over the one billion things that are not being done and need to get done. Oh, and I'm going to try and finish a book today too... yes, I may be officially insane. Later!


  1. I totally feel your pain with the whole tired thing. That is my day everyday! Yet, here I am online at 1:30am when I should be in bed:O Onto another note, we are flying in on Monday; leaving on Sunday. No plans except Thurs, Fri and Sat (wedding). What are you doing the other days?

  2. I could do lunch on Tues for sure, and so far I'm free Tues night and all day Wednesday. Anything work for you there?

  3. How about lunch on Tuesday? I am also in desperate need of a massage! Know anyone good? ;)

  4. Sounds fantastic! Would you like a massage after lunch? It would have to be at my house, though, there is a student practice clinical at the school. Will you be okay around the cats for about an hour and a half?

  5. I am just beginning to feel better after a terrible sickness this weekend. I think it's strep. I'm on all kinds of meds; hoping to feel better by Tuesday. Your house is fine, as long as cats are not in room:) I'll call you Monday afternoon.