One of the trickier points about being at home to work is that lots of people (okay, mostly me) want to go out and run errands and meet up for breakfast/lunch/dinner/drinks/coffee and do things we'd really like to do but don't because I have such a weird schedule, in that I don't have one. I'm making all of these mental plans to do fun things when really I need to be sitting here in my sweatpants giving myself wrinkles and computer headaches and getting some sh*t done. I have visions of waking up at 7, making a little breakfast, taking a shower, and starting to work like I have a Real Desk Job, with the added bonus of being able to do laundry at the same time. The reality of my life is not related to that fantasy land I think I operate in. Sad. But I do need to get some food in this house that is not cereal or freezer-burned, and I do need to go to the post office. And I'm on my last roll of paper towels. Not so great when you have cats that are having an un-advertised Hairballpalooza. So yes, I do need to get my butt in gear and get things done so I can stay home and work.
The lack of motivation on my part is also partially sleep-related. I'm getting 6 to 9 hours of sleep, but it's not restful. I wake up tired. I fall asleep tired. After I'm up for an hour in the morning, I could use a serious nap. That feeling of needing to sleep never goes away. It makes it hard to focus (literally and figuratively), hard to concentrate, and next to impossible to do anything physically aside from sitting or lying down. I might look normal, but on the inside I'm constantly fighting to pay attention, or walk around, or complete this sentence I started saying... it's not good. I'm not entirely sure what to do about that. It's exhaustion, certainly, but is it something else? And if so, what the hell could it be? I don't like to think about it, so I ignore it and keep on trying to function and operate like I normally do. I don't like to bring it up or talk about it because people either A) say "can't you go to the doctor? you always say there's something wrong, but friggin do something about it already" or B) give me this look like yeah-right-I'm-tired-too-you're-so-dramatic-and-obviously-lying-because-you-don't-look-or-act-differently-I'm-sick-of-this-crap-from-you. I can't afford to really investigate what might be going on, either monetarily or time-wise, and there aren't any big signposts pointing the way to what's wrong. So I keep on going like this because I don't know what else to do and to everyone else I seem fine and seem to be doing okay. But if you ever see me or talk to me, I'll say I'm fine when really my brain is yelling I JUST WANT TO LAY DOWN or CONCENTRATE ON WHAT IS GOING ON or PAY ATTENTION DON'T DRIFT OFF. Ugh. Any advice on how to handle this that will not cost me an arm and a leg is appreciated.
So, that being said, I need to get going to run those errands and then come back here to not-work and not-sleep but instead stare at the wall and guilt myself into oblivion over the one billion things that are not being done and need to get done. Oh, and I'm going to try and finish a book today too... yes, I may be officially insane. Later!